Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
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Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.