Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast