Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
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ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
