Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
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Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people