Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Windchimes

based

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Whoa… oh I see lol

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!