Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Said the murderer.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Story time

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.