Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
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I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable