Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

How high do the levels go?

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi