Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
If you want my opinion ask my wife
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
