Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
