Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.