Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever