Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.