Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
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how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.