Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I get a job writing these texts

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Covert ops

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”