Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

paddle faster i hear baby shark

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.