me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Breaking news:
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito