me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
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You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
🤯🤯🤯
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.