Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman