Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*