Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.