(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
😭😭😭
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no