Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE