(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
oppen heimer style lol
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.