Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video