me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I’M CRYINGGG
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die