me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I just tested negative for patience.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why