Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

Simple

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.