me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way