Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

At ease

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

kevin is now a local weatherman

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.