ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
You Might Also Like
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…