Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*