Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken