Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?