Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
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I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Dance like you’re not the father
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“I wouldn’t.”
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
me before I type out affect or effect
#SuperBowl
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh