Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.