Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining