Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Why I divorced her.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

Pringles

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom