Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”