Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Well well well…
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I’M CRYINGGG
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.