Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
X-tra spooky blend
A drum solo but on your face.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
