Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences