Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

I’m giving up for Lent.

Oh deer

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.