Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Facebook memories be like

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand