[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
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Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
They grow up so quick
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
figuring out my emotional availability:
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Why am I like this?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.