@Geestargames

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

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@dorsalstream

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

@NikiWithIssues

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

@orangecrushable

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@Cycloptomese

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

@DurtMcHurtt

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

@ItsMeHelenMary

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

@aotakeo

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino