@Geestargames

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

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@actioncookbook

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

@AnOrangeSNES

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

@caithuls

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

@JB4Realz

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

@o__0Dev

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

@NicestHippo

“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman

@JermHimselfish

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood