@Geestargames

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

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@HeyoShellz

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

@zachraffio

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

@JB1971_

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

@Bob_Janke

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

@wesleybordelon

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

@steeve_again

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

@LlamaInaTux

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

@ericsshadow

7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!