SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I’ve found the most Canadian coffee shop in all existence.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood