@CornOnTheGoblin: [my funeral] sister: did you know about this? mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it's what he wanted

@iAmDelFreaky: Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.

@PhilJamesson: A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly. [I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

@AbbyHasIssues: I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

@fightforfood: There's no dumb questio— "Why'd my parents get divorced?" See. His parents most likely split up because he's an interrupting little shit