Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Just me and my debit card against the world

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.