Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

They did not think through this water fountain

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”