Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
good let them take over I have had enough
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.