Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.