Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.