Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet