Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

wait.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.