Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Howl 😭
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents