Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
You Might Also Like
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome