Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

nyc:

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”