Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

handsome & gretel

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?