Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
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Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Breaking news:
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…