Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

You better watch out

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂