Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
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hmmmmmm
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
They did not think through this water fountain
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*