Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had an epiphany today.

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?