Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.