Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Never ghost your hitman.

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.