Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts