Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Twitter is an abusement park.

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.