Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

🛁

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Windchimes