Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Mmmm canned fish.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?