Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Autocarrot sucks!

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.