What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Siri: Retweet me.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.