Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm
No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
It’s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen