Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Sex so good you see dead people.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.