Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
shakira sharkira
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.