Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When you put it that way… 😂
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Smells like a challenge to me
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
A man of commitment.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure