Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng