Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
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*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.